Title: Cool Heat
Summary: After a romantic weekend Mulder pays the
consequences with hilarious results.
Disclaimer: Property of CC, 1013 Productions, Fox
Category: MT, humor
Archves: Yes, but please ask first
Feedback: Yes, I'd love to hear from you at
Mulder opened the door to the basement office bright
and early Monday morning. He had really hated for
the weekend to come to a close. Scully had kept him
in bed almost the entire time from Friday evening
until early that morning. He couldn't suppress the
satisfied smile that spread across his face when he
thought of the many different ways they had found to
practice the age-old interaction between male and
The Kama Sutra was old news by the time he left
Scully with that same, satisfied smile. Perhaps they
could write a whole new book on the subject. He
rubbed his neck. It was a little sore after the
weekend activities. Ah well, it would be a perfect
excuse for a Scully massage.
The tired agent sank slowly into his chair and rubbed
his neck again. It seemed to be getting worse, but
damn, it had been worth it! With a sigh he booted up
his computer and checked his email. Crap! A memo
from Skinner greeted him, requesting the presence of
Scully and himself at 8:30 AM, sharp! Do not pass
go. Do not collect $200.
Mulder groaned and pushed away from his desk. Might
as well start the coffee. It looked like it was
going to be one of 'those' days. He unconsciously
tried to rub away the pain in his neck as he searched
for the coffee filters.
Scully arrived at 7:45 looking happy and well rested.
Mulder smiled. The woman must have amazing
recuperative powers because he had given as good as
he got. As she accepted the cup of coffee proffered
by her partner, the petite agent couldn't help but
notice the odd angle at which he was holding his
head. She grinned after her first sip. "Was this
weekend too much for your middle-aged body?"
"I didn't hear any complaints from you at three this
morning." He rubbed his neck again. Damn, this was
getting to be a habit. "Just a little catch in my
neck. We have a meeting with Skinner at 8:30 sharp
and I'd like to be able to stare back at him without
looking sideways. Do you think those talented
fingers of yours could work some magic before we have
"As long as you're referring to your neck and not
another region of your anatomy, I think that can be
arranged." The lovely red head motioned him to take
a seat in front of her. After guzzling most of her
coffee, she began to knead her partner's sore neck.
The groans of satisfaction coming from the male agent
were reminiscent of some of the sounds she had been
treated to over the weekend. Wow! She needed to set
those memories aside or she might be the one looking
sideways at their supervisor while she tried to keep
her hormones under control. "Better?"
"I'll give you five minutes to stop, Scully," he
breathed, trying to keep his eyes from crossing due
to the pure bliss he felt in his neck muscles and
"I think I've done quite enough." She gave his neck
another soft caress and then placed a light kiss
where her fingers had been. "Did Skinner tell you
why he wants to see us?"
"No, he . . ." Mulder stopped abruptly when he tried
to straighten his neck. The ensuing pain nearly
knocked him to the floor. He grabbed the chair just
in time to prevent further disaster.
"Mulder, what is it?"
"What did you do to my neck?" he gasped. "It's a
hundred times worse."
"I just tried to get the kinks out."
"Didn't work. What time is it?"
"We don't have time for this. Do something," he
wailed. "I can't walk into Skinner's office like
this!" His panic face was beginning to appear. As
usual, he hadn't been in Skinner's good graces and
turning up in his office with his head lying on his
shoulder wouldn't help matters.
"Mulder, what else can I do? I think you probably
need to go to the ER and get this checked out. You
could have a ruptured disk or worse."
"No ER!" A look of intense concentration mixed in
with the pain and panic already evident on his
handsome features. "I've got an idea. There's a
tube of sports cream in my gym bag. It's not
supposed to have an odor. Could you please get it
for me and smear some on?"
"Okay. What could it hurt?" She located the bag in
its usual place and pulled out the cream. Squeezing
a generous amount onto her fingers, she began to
massage it in. "I thought you said it was odorless."
Mulder took a good whiff. "Damn, I forgot that was
in there. You got the wrong tube. That's Cool Heat,
and it is definitely not odorless."
"I'll say." She held her fingers as far away from
her nose as possible and was still almost overcome by
the strong wintergreen, menthol smell.
"We've got to try and get some of this off. Skinner
won't appreciate us stinking up his office."
"I can't argue with that." Scully grabbed her purse
after a quick peek at her watch. "Make it fast,
Mulder. We only have a few minutes to spare."
"I'll meet you there," Mulder promised as he made his
way out of the office, his head still almost touching
his left shoulder.
Scully sat in Skinner's outer office looking
apologetic as Kimberly informed the AD that Mulder
still hadn't arrived. Suddenly, the door burst open
and the wayward agent entered, still smelling like
the training room at a gym, his neck now a brilliant
shade of red. He flopped down beside Scully and
hissed as the movement brought searing pain to his
"I accidentally used hot water. My neck is on fire!"
Before his partner could comment, Skinner appeared in
the doorway and beckoned them into his office.
There were several items on his list of complaints
about their most recent case. He was in no humor to
put up with any foolishness that morning. He had
awakened with a Texas-sized headache and his sinuses
were stuffed to the rafters. The AD couldn't help
but notice the odd tilt to Mulder's head along with
the considerable redness on his neck.
Amazingly, Skinner's sinuses cleared as soon as
Mulder passed by. With the new clarity came the
awareness of the heavy, liniment-like smell. He
wrinkled his nose and nodded for the agents to be
seated as he took his usual position behind his desk.
The assistant director noted that Mulder was more
fidgety than usual. This should be a great meeting
he thought sarcastically as Kimberly brought in a
pitcher of ice water and sat it on his desk. He
nodded his thanks and poured himself a large glass of
the cold drink.
Mulder eyed the pitcher longingly as the fire on his
neck ratcheted up a notch. He ran his finger around
his collar in an effort to lift it away from his
Skinner straightened the stack of papers on his desk
and leveled a displeased look at his most troublesome
agents. He wrinkled his nose again and was just
about to ask about the odor when Mulder leapt from
Scully and Skinner both stared in disbelief as the
crazed F.B.I. agent grabbed the pitcher of water and
splashed the entire contents on his neck, then
staggered out of the office.
"I think, um, I think I'll just go and check on him."
Scully stammered and hurriedly followed her partner
out of the office.
Skinner could only stare after them, wondering what
crazy explanation they would come up with to justify
Georgetown Memorial ER, several hours later-
Mulder groaned softly as he emerged from his drug-
induced slumber. "Please tell me that I just had the
craziest dream ever."
"I wish I could, Mulder." Scully rose from the chair
beside the stretcher that held her partner. "How's
He gingerly moved it to see how the pain was. The
muscle soreness had improved slightly, but the
burning pain was still there, although considerably
less than it had been in Skinner's office. He looked
at Scully with questioning eyes.
He nodded yes very carefully.
"You have a moderate muscle strain and some second
degree burns from the liniment. The next time you
need to wash something like that away, please double-
check the water temperature before starting."
"I definitely will. I assure you." Mulder grimaced
from the pain and the memory of the fiasco in
Skinner's office. "Do I still have a job, or did
Skinner decide to can me and commit me?"
"You got lucky. You were neither canned nor
committed. In fact, AD Skinner asked me to thank you
for the entertainment. He said it was the best
Monday morning he'd ever had." Scully tried to keep
a straight face but couldn't quite manage it.
"Go ahead and laugh, Scully. I deserve every bit of
"Well, it's either that or give you an award for the
best comedy act in an Assistant Director's office."
"Ha, ha. When can I get out of here?"
"You got lucky again, Mulder. Get dressed and I'll
find the nurse to come in and go over your discharge
instructions. The doctor said to take it easy for a
few days and prescribed some muscle relaxants and
"Wonderful. Did you ever find out why Skinner wanted
to see us?" Mulder slowly sat up and Scully handed
him the bag containing his clothes. The strong smell
of Cool Heat assaulted his sinuses, almost making him
"No, he said it would keep and that we should re-
schedule as soon as you return to work. "Is there a
problem, Mulder?" Scully grinned at the look of
distress on his face.
"I can't wear these clothes. The smell is making me
"Well, I suppose you could go home in that lovely,
stylish, threadbare hospital gown." A look of
disbelief crossed his face. "Or, you could wear
something from the travel bag in your car."
Mulder heaved a huge sigh of relief when she knelt
beside her chair to retrieve it.
"Hurry and get dressed. The doctor suggested bed
rest, and I know just the place to do that."
Mulder's eyes lit up as he gingerly pulled a t-shirt
over his head. "Yeah?"
"Yep, your couch should do just fine."
The light immediately left his eyes as he pulled on
his jeans. "Great. Abandon me in my time of need."
"Who said anything about abandonment? I'm with you
every step of the way . . .at your place," she
emphasized. "At least until you no longer reek of
"You gonna throw in another massage?" Mulder looked
at her hopefully.
"Then, it was all worth it," he grinned as he began
to think of ways to make the smell linger.